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by Gordon MacDiarmid


Hey You! Yes, you. The one grunting and pumping his fist in the air. The one who spends more time watching football, than talking to your family. The one whose cognitive functions are so flooded with testosterone, that you couldn't possibly understand the term "cognitive functions".

You are an embarrassment to your race and gender. You are the reason football players make 30 million a year and the schools have to beg for pencils and paper. Your inability to overcome your biological programming is why your sons will grow up to be morons.

If you can get around the flood of hormones and cheap beer, take a minute to read a newspaper (those that can read), or better yet, read it with your children (remember them?). Those are the smaller people in your house. The ones who are at school or soccer practice, or "play dates"; or anywhere they're not bothering you.

And the "Little Woman". Because you think of, and treat her like the "Little Woman", she has lost all respect for you. It makes staying late at work more and more attractive, to her. If you didn't have your face buried in the tube, your ass buried in the couch, a beer in one hand and your crotch in the other; you might have noticed that her pantyhose is in her pocketbook and her blouse is buttoned wrong. It must get pretty warm in those "Dinner Meetings".

The gun you have in your dresser drawer, is a sure sign that you have issues with your penis size, and the best way (statistically) to get yourself or a family member shot. The aggressive, angry way you drive your gas guzzling V-8, is being passed on to your children and will cause the death of your eldest when he is thirty.

When you fart and sigh after dinner, your wife's giggle is not one of humor but one of embarrassment. Remember, you were once her Knight in shining armor. Now you're the ape that bangs her once a month.

You know the names and stats of every starting player in the NBA and the NFL. Do you know the name of your Congressman? You taught your sons how to play basketball and baseball. Did you teach them respect for the planet and to question authority? OK, maybe after the playoffs.


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revised: 2004.11.15

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