Modern Fairy Tales

by Gordon MacDiarmid

 

The Emperor of TVLand

Once upon a time, there was a rowdy. We shall call This young man, "Dubya", because Jack is already taken. Dubya came from a wealthy and influential family in a mythical place called Petropolis.

Now Petropolis was built on cow pies and oil, so the movers and shakers owned substantial quantities of both ( not to mention controlling interest in several dubious holding companies). These folks were so wealthy, that they had their own class of servants, called "Minimum Wage Earners" The oil industry and the support services to keep the place running needed a constant supply of replaceable workers, to wash cars, run cash registers and do yard work.

Our hero grew up as a minor prince in the Kingdom of Petropolis. When the wars came along, our young prince was too valuable to take chances so his daddy, the Duke of Oil, bought him a commission in the home guard. It was there that Dubya saw the light, while inhaling a large quantity of a magical powder called "Cocaine". His Daddy had just become Emperor of TVland, the vast empire to which Petropolis belonged.

It was a difficult thing to become emperor, of that place. It required a vast armada of Lobbyists and vote shakers to even come close, especially if you are a lack-luster and demonstrably unintelligent shit kicker from the outer fringes of the empire. But the Duke of Oil became Emperor and set about making war, cutting school funding and Health Care programs as any good Fascist Oligarcist would do.

All was not well in TVland, the long-time antagonist and ready excuse for military proliferation, was crumbling on it's foundations. The Kingdom of Redland, had bankrupted itself through uncontrolled military proliferation and corruption. It was important to have a bad guy, to rant about and rave against. So the Duke of Oil turned his sights on the vassal states which supplied so much of the petroleum he overcharged for. After all, they were becoming uncooperative and threatening to Nationalize a Multi-billion dollar pipeline. ( To Nationalize is to steal by rule of law.)

He got together with his ministers and advisors, the Earl of Aerospace, the Duke of Dirty Tricks, the Regent of Raygun and they went to war on the dirty heathens who threatened the Democratic Way Of Life (e.g.; profits for oil companies.). The war was a big success, and was made even more popular by the Magic spells of the Wizard of Airwaves, and the Mage of Media.

Some years later, our hero was out of the Home Guard and losing money for several corporations in Petropolis and several of the neighboring fiefdoms. He had married, a must for the royal lineage, and had two darling children, who would eventually become the most renowned Disco-sluts in the Empire of TVland. Life was good for Dubya. Then his Daddy decided that enough was enough. He had lost his crown to the Prince of Poontang, and was longing to get back in the game. The Prince of Poontang had undone a great many of the good works the Duke of Oil had set in motion: upgrading the public school system, so it turned out obedient and smart (not too smart) workers, fixing all those loopholes in the constitution that curtailed profits.

So the Duke of Oil lubricated his machinery, and knowing that he could not be elected again, set forth to make Dubya the Emperor of TVland. Dubya's comment was, " He-heh, yeah, awright."

Chapter Two: We need another war

Things were not going well. In in the fiefdom of Citronious, The Duke Of Oil's son was losing by a landslide. Luckily for our hero, The Earl of Orange was a blood relation. Puddn' head Jeb sent out an army of royal chad checkers, and Jurymanderers to fix that and our hero became Emperor of TVland. He set about making war, cutting school funding and Health Care programs as any good Fascist Oligarcist would do. But it wasn't good enough. The public was beginning to notice what a dimwitted shitkicker Dubya really was. Though it was not essential that the subjects like the Emperor, it made it much easier to abridge the constitution if he was popular.

"We must have another war!" cried the Earl of Aerospace. "That always works."

 

part 2 The Emperor's Briefs

 

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revised: 2004.11.15

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